JOKE THREAD

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JOKE THREAD

Post by nomeradona on Sun Dec 28, 2008 8:36 pm

First topic message reminder :

gawa nga tayo ng joke thread. basta clean jokes lang ha.

una na ako...

BAMPIRA

sa Pilipinas daw, dahil sa kahirapan ng buhay marami na daw yung mga bampira. listen to the telphone conversation. si Ina tinawagan si Noynoy na nasa Saudi

INA: Noynoy sensya na anak napatawag ako, kasi si Junjun may sakit, la naman kami dito, wala BAMPIRA dyan.
si Neneng wala ring isuot sa Prom, wala BAMPIRA dyan. ganun din si Bokbok walang pangmatrikula wala BAMPIRA talaga dyan.

diba ang daming Bampira.

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by nheil29 on Sat May 23, 2009 11:24 pm

WWOOOOOOHOOOOHOHOOOOOHOOOO

naboang ako sa english-tagalog dictionary ni sir kurdaps.....

wait lng hindi ako makahinga......

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by bokkins on Fri May 29, 2009 10:12 am

Kita ko lang sa Facebook. haha. Smile

Joke for the day:

Woman carrying sick baby enters doctor’s office.
Doc: “Bottlefed?”
Woman: “Breastfed po.”

(Doctor squeezes woman’s breasts repeatedly)

Doc: “Ayan ang problema, wala kang gatas, eh.”
Woman: “Yaya lang po ako doc! Yaya!

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by skyscraper100 on Fri May 29, 2009 9:38 pm

LOL

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by eLEMMEnTO on Sun May 31, 2009 10:02 pm

nabasa ko lang mga bossing...

A TAGALOG TRANSLATION :
" I am sori to tell you that Dexter's frozen assets cannot be withdrawn".
" Ikinalulungkot kong sabihin na ang naninigas na ari ni Dexter ay hindi na mahuhugot"

PHILIPINE SMALLEST:
All in the Phil..
Tarsier - smallest monkey
Tamaraw - smallest carabao
Ate glo - smalllest President...

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by nomeradona on Mon Jun 01, 2009 8:36 am

transfer ko lang dito

one day God show to Gabriel His finish product the universe.. He continued (with excitement) "Gabriel look, I wan to share to you my happiness. This is the Universe and look at the dot on the top end of this galaxy that is the Earth is so special to me, Come lets move closer to see better this place." Gabriel for a while pause and then asked " What is so special with this planet Lord?"
God replied.. see this planet was created with full of CONTRAST, some places are cold and some places are hot. some people are black and some people are cold" God continued with excitement just explaining the word COntrast to Gabriel..
While Gabriel is browsing his eyes to the Pacific, he noticed a triagular shape archipelago... and he exclaimed "Lord what is that group of islands in triangular shape?"
God replied.. "Oh! that is Philippines... you know Philippines is so dear to me, in my mind the people would be lovely, beautiful, talented, good at Computer Graphics, design, easy to adopt other cultures, beautiful nation and....." while God was still talking! Gabriel was dumbfounded and asked.. "Eh.. Lord! may I cut short your talking please... Now I could not get the contrast here... you were talking about contrast and you only say what is good in this country.."

With caring and sweet smile. God said "Gabriel do not be impatient, wait until you see the government"...

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by qui gon on Tue Jun 02, 2009 12:03 am

nomeradona wrote:transfer ko lang dito

one day God show to Gabriel His finish product the universe.. He continued (with excitement) "Gabriel look, I wan to share to you my happiness. This is the Universe and look at the dot on the top end of this galaxy that is the Earth is so special to me, Come lets move closer to see better this place." Gabriel for a while pause and then asked " What is so special with this planet Lord?"
God replied.. see this planet was created with full of CONTRAST, some places are cold and some places are hot. some people are black and some people are cold" God continued with excitement just explaining the word COntrast to Gabriel..
While Gabriel is browsing his eyes to the Pacific, he noticed a triagular shape archipelago... and he exclaimed "Lord what is that group of islands in triangular shape?"
God replied.. "Oh! that is Philippines... you know Philippines is so dear to me, in my mind the people would be lovely, beautiful, talented, good at Computer Graphics, design, easy to adopt other cultures, beautiful nation and....." while God was still talking! Gabriel was dumbfounded and asked.. "Eh.. Lord! may I cut short your talking please... Now I could not get the contrast here... you were talking about contrast and you only say what is good in this country.."

With caring and sweet smile. God said "Gabriel do not be impatient, wait until you see the government"...

hahahahaha lol! sapul

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by keitzkoy on Tue Jun 23, 2009 2:09 am

ngayon ko lang nakita tong thread na 'to, share lang ako ng pinoy jokes colllection ko,hahaha..enjoy peace man peace man
----------------------------------------------------------



A black baby was given a pair of wings by a fairy.....

BABY: Does this mean im an angel?

Fairy laughs...

FAIRY: of course not!negrang to,ambisyosa!Paniki ka!

--------------------

3 pasyente ng mental ang nagaha2nda sa exam na ibi2gay ng DOKTOR, kapag pumasa sa exam, malaya clang makalabas sa ospital. Pero pag bumagsak sila mana2tili cla ng 5 pang taon!

Dinala ngayon ng doktor ang 3 pasyente sa taas ng DIVING BOARD ng swimming pool na walang 2big at inutasan ang 1 pasyente na lumundag, lumundag ito kaya nabali ang 2ng kamay!
lumundag din ang ika-2 at nabali din ang 2 paa!
tumutol lumundag ang pa-3ng pasyente

DOKTOR: KONGRATYULASYON, pwede ka nang lumabas! ngunit sabihin mo muna sa akin ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ka lumundag??

PA-3 PASYENTE: "HINDI PO AKO MARUNONG LUMANGOY DOK.!!!

ISTAY DIN XA NG 5 YRS HEHEHEHE


----------------------------------

Isang amerikano ang pumasok sa barberya ni Juan para mag pagupit.Natuwa siya dahil kikita rin siya sa wakas
dahil wala
siyang kostumer sa buong mag hapon,ngunit sa malas hindi siya marunong mag english.Ang ginawa niya nag senyas na lang sa amerikano na maupo na.Naunawaan naman ng amerikano si Juan.Habang nag gugupit,wala silang imikan na nauunawaan naman ng amerikano.panay lang ang ngiti niya kay Juan na parang ibig sabihin
nagugustuhan niya ang gupit ni juan.Ang problema ngayon ni juan ay kung paano sasabihin na tapos na ang pag gupit at aahitan na lamang ng labaha.So ang ginawa
niya,kinuha ang labaha at nag senyas na hahasain at aahitan na siya.Tumango naman ang amerikano.Habang nag hahasa si Juan panay ang isip kung anong sasabihi sa amerikano na ito na ang huli ang pag ahit.isip.....,
isip.....isip....sa wakas may naisip na siya at lumabas na dala dala ang nangingintab na labaha at nakangiting sinabi sa amerikano "This is your the end"
Nagulat ang amerikano at biglang kumaripas ng takbo.


----------------------------

Police Chief: "Guards, may nakawalang hoodlum! Bantayan ang mga exits!"

Later...

Guard: "Sir, nakatakas ang hoodlum."

Police Chief: "Paano nangyari iyun?"

Guard: "Sir, sa entrance siya dumaan."

-----------------------------

Sira-ulo #1: "Kaya mo bang tumawid sa ilaw ng flashlight ko?"

Sira-ulo #2: "Ayoko nga, ano ako, sira? e paano kung pinatay mo ang ilaw, e di mahulog pa ako. Wa-is ito, hehehe"

-----------------------------------

Sa Isang Jeep

Pasahero: Mama, Magkano Po Yung Pasahe?

Driver: 7.50 Yung Minimum

Pasahero: (Dumukot Ito Sa Bulsa Para Kunin Yung Pera Niya, Ngunit sa Di Sinasadyang Dahilan Kulang Yung Pamasahe Niya.) Patay, Kulang Yung Pera Ko. Paano Kaya Ito? (Nag Isip Ito At Lumingon Sa Driver. Napansin Niya Na Duling Ito. Sabi Niya Sa Kanyang Sarili, Tama Duling Yung Driver Sigurado Pag Nagbigay Ako Ng 3.75 di Niya Mapapansin Na Kulang Yung Pera Ko. Kasi Doble Yung Paningin Nito. Inabot Niya Sa Driver Yung Pera.

Ngunit Laking Gulat Niya Nung May Sinabi Yung Driver Sa Kanya.

Driver: Kulang Ito!

Pasahero: Anong Kulang? Di Ba Sabi Mo 7.50 Yung Minimum?

Driver: Oo Nga 7.50 eh Dalawa Kaya Kayo.

Patay! Akala Mo Lusot Kana ha?

-----------------------------

ano ang lging pnapgawa ng daddy centipede kay baby centipede?








EDI KMANTA NG 'IHAVE 2 HANDS THE LEFT AND THE RIGHT THE LEFT AND THE RIGHT THE LEFT AND THE RIGHT THE LEFT AND THE RIGHT!!!!!HAHAHAHAHA


---------------------------------

Pedro: Pare, sobrang taba talaga ng Misis ko kaya't gusto niyang magbawas ng timbang!

Pablo: Sabihin mo sa Misis na mag Horseback riding siya.

Makaraan ang dalawang buwan.

Pedro: Kumusta naman ang resulta ng Horseback Riding !

Pablo: Nabawasan ng 40 Kilos ang kabayo!!


--------------------------------------

KONSEHAL: paki-acknowledge si mayor,late dumating,hayun,kararaan lang!


PEDRO(emcee): i wud lyk 2 acknowledge the late mayor hu just passed away.

--------------------------------------

TEACHER: Juan,read ur 500 word essay.

JUAN: "MY MUNING"
I have a muning.
My muning is lost.
So i went outside the house to
look for muning.....
muning!(482x)....


------------------------

MOM 1: ano pinapainom mo sa baby mo?

MOM 2: 'promil' sa matatag na pangarap.Eh ikaw?

MOM 1: 'emperador'!para sa totoong tagumpay!

--------------------------------

Bago mamatay si Mr.Wong ay isa isa niyang tinawag ang kanyang pamilya.

MR.WONG: Akyen junior 'ndyan ba?

JUNIOR: Dito po!

MR.WONG: Akyen panganay 'ndyan ba?

PANGANAY: Dito po!

MR.WONG:Akyen anak na babae 'ndyan ba?

ANAK BABAE: Dito po!

MR.WONG: Akyen asawa 'ndyan ba?

ASAWA:Honey,andito ako!

MR.WONG: Walahiya!Dito kayo lahat! Wala tao tindahan!

-------------------------------------

TUKMOL: Sino sa inyo ang matapang?Lumabas!


SIGA: Ako!Matapang ako,bakit may problema?


TUKMOL: Ah eh,wala po,survey lang ho.Ngayon,yung duwag naman ang lumabas!

----------------------------------

AMERICAN ENGLISH:
Eat All You Can,don't be shy,feel at home!


IN TAGALOG:
Kain lang kayo ng kain,walanghiya kayo,pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo 'to!

------------------------

MR: Hon,may malaki akong problema...

MRS: Ngayong kasal na tayo,ang problema mo ay problema natin.

MR: Ganun?

MRS: Oo,dahil iisa na tayo ngayon.Ano bang problema natin?

MR: Kasi nabuntis natin si inday at tayo ang ama!

---------------------

Jose: pare dali,nasusunog na ang buong gusali. dun tayo dumaan sa Fire Exit!

Juan: wag tayo dyan dumaan. hindi tayo pwede dyan. lalo tayong mapapahamak.

Jose: bkt naman?! eh,Fire exit naman yan!

Juan: yun na nga eh, dyan lalabas ang apoy. kaya hindi tayo pwede dyan...


----------------------

In a pet shop, a customer is talking to a parrot.....

CUSTOMER: Hoy! Can you talk, ha?! Bobo!!

PARROT: Yes I can!!! Ikaw, can you fly, ha?! Engot!!!


--------------------------

JUAN:pedro, sabihin mo nga dun sa kano na bukas ang bag nya!

PEDRO:hey...,,joe! your bag is tomorrow!!!

-----------------------

MAN: Doc,i swallowed a chicken bone.

DOCTOR: Is it choking?

MAN: No,it's MAX'S.

DOCTOR: I didn't mean CHOWKING,I mean,are you choking?

MAN: No! I'm serious!

--------------------------


SA ULO NG MGA BALITA!!

HEADLINES BUKAS, NGAYON BUNTOT NA!!

2 KALBO NAG-SABUNUTAN!

CAPTAIN HOOK,DUMAAN SA QUIAPO,PINIRATA!

PALAISDAAN,NASUNOG!

TAHANANG WALANG HAGDAN,INAKYAT!!!

BAKLA SUMALI SA AWAY,NAPASUBO!!!

BAGONG TULI,NAGYABANG,LUMAKI ANG ULO!

UNANONG MADRE,NAPAGKAMALANG PENGUIN!


BULAG NAKAPATAY,NAGDILIM DAW ANG PANINGIN!!!!

ICEMAN NANOOD NG PORNO,NAG-INIT!!

TINDERA NG SUKA,TINOYO!!!

TEACHER NAGKAMALI,TINURUAN NG LEKSYON!!

LOLO NAAKUSAHANG NANG-RAPE,PERO SA
KORTE...BIKTIMA AYAW TUMAYO!!!

EROPLANO NAG-CRASH,LAHAT NG PASAHERO PATAY,SABI NG MGA SURVIVOR!!!

BASURERO NAGSAMPA NG KASO,BINASURA!!!

DAHIL MAY REKLAMO,ESKWELAHAN NG MGA BINGI,NAGNOISE BARRAGE!!!

TUBERO,NAGKATULO!!!

LALAKI,NATAGPUANG PUGOT ANG ULO,INAALAM PA KUNG BUHAY!!!

MISIS NG PHOTOGRAPHER,NAKUNAN!!!

TINDERA NG TUBIG,NAMATAY SA UHAW!!!

KASO NG PILAY,NILALAKAD PA!!!!!!

ISANG BUNTIS SINAKSAK,SANGGOL NAKAILAG!!

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by ishae_clanx on Tue Jun 23, 2009 2:12 am

Leslie Adona wrote:Teacher: wat is d capital of the Phils.?
Chinese student: mam kahit ako intsik,ako dami alam Pilipinas,ang Pilipinas wala capital,pulo.. UTANG!......hehehe peace man dancer

Asia's best
PILITA CORRALES - Asia 's Queen of Song.

LANI MISALUCHA - Asia 's Nightingale.

REGINE VELASQUEZ - Asia 's Song Bird.

GLORIA MACAPAGAL ARROYO - "Mole of Asia"


Flight to San Francisco
ERAP: Hello, I would like to inquire how long is the flight to San Francisco?

OPERATOR: Just a minute, Sir..

ERAP: Really? Thank you..



Juan and tatay
JUAN; Tay ! Penge P20 bibili ako ng de lata.

TATAY: Anak, mga taga bukid lang ang gumagamit ng term na de lata! Englisin mo yan!

JUAN: Paano?

TATAY: KANG GUD!


Homeless
INTERVIEWER: Ano ang plano nyo sa mga homeless?

ERAP: Marami, kaso may problema.

INTERVIEWER: Ano po yun?

ERAP:
ang hirap nilang hanapin, kasi wala silang address.


Tatay to anak
TATAY: Bagsak ka na nman! Ba't di mo gayahin si Pedro?
Palaging may honor.

ANAK: Unfair naman kung ikumpara nyo ako kay Pedro.

TATAY: Bakit naman?

ANAK: Matalino tatay nun!

NAKATIPID
Takbong pumasok ng bahay si Mario.
Pagud na pagod, pero masayang-masaya.
Nagmamayabang pa sa ina.
"Nanay! Nanay! Nakatipid ako ng pitong piso."
"Nakatipid? Paano?" tanong ng nanay.
"Aba'y 'di ako sumakay ng dyip.
Sumabay lang ako ng takbo.
Kaya't nakatipid ako ng seven pesos!"
"Bobo ka pala, eh. Kung taxi ang sinabayan mo,
'Di mas malaki ang natipid mo!"
bwhahahhahahaahh ang astig nitong post na to!

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by mammoo_03 on Mon Jun 29, 2009 11:19 pm

Iba ang PINOY!!!!!
PINOY CONTRACTOR ABROAD

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.

One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and an American.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well,"
he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "What? You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid??

"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico ".

The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by JAKE on Mon Jun 29, 2009 11:38 pm

lol!

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by mechanic on Tue Jun 30, 2009 2:06 am

d best ang pinoy! lol!

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by ortzak on Tue Jun 30, 2009 10:03 am

YAYA Jokes

Frederique - We had a yaya who

claimed she was being courted by a kapre in her province and wanted to take her to his kingdom. Her reason for turning down the offer to be his queen? "Kapre yun ma'am, malaki ang kwan nun! Wag na tuy!"



2. Ivan - Kid: "Yaya look, boats!" Yaya: "Dows are not boats, they're yachts." Kid: "Yaya, spell yachts?" Yaya: "Yor rayt, dey are boats.."



3. Sam - Woman carrying sick baby enters doctor's office. Doc: "Bottlefed?" Woman: "Breastfed po." (Doctors squeezes woman's breasts repeatedly) Doc: "Ayan ang problema, wala kang gatas, eh." Woman: "Yaya lang po ako doc! Yaya!"



4. William & Luli - The eggs that yaya bought turned out to be rotten. She stormed back to the grocery and told the vendor: "Manong, ang baho ng itlog niyo!"



5. No name - My mom asked our yaya to buy Inquirer and Star. Our yaya came back and said: "Ma'am, wala pong Inquirer kaya bumili nalang po ako ng dalawang Star!"



6.. Cutie Girl - Yaya: "Huhuhu..." Ate: "O, bakit ka umiiyak?" Yaya: "Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!" Ate: "Eh bakit ka ba tinitighiyawat? " Yaya: "Kasi po di ako makatulog sa gabi." Ate: "O, bakit ka di makatulog?" Yaya: "Kasi po may pinoproblema ako..." Ate: "Ano naman ang pinoproblema mo?" Yaya: "Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!"



7. Curt Smith - (Earlier) Mom: "Yaya, lagay mo yung pesto sa ref!" (Later) Son: "Yaya, nakita mo PS2 ko?" Yaya: "Nasa ref, pinalagay ng mama mo!"



8. Fuzzy Secretary - Just now my maid burned a hole in my uniform. I angrily asked her, "Paano mo naman nasunog to?" She answered: "Secret!"



9. Dew Berry - After watching a movie, our yaya blurted out: "Ang pangit naman, happy ending!"



10. Ungazz - Sir: "Yaya, gawa mo ko ng kape. Yung decaf ha!" Yaya: "Siyempre naman, alangan namang de-baso!"



11. No name - Mom: "Yaya, magluto ka na pag-alis ko ha!" Yaya: "Ano po lulutuin ko?" Mom: "It's up to you." (During dinner) Mom: "Yaya, bakit ketsup at tuyo ang ulam?" Yaya: "Diba nung tinanong ko kayo kung anong lulutuin ko, sabi niyo, 'kitsup tuyo'!"



12. Aries - Our neighbor's yaya: "Junjun, chew your mouth!"



13. Abelski - Our yaya sa sari-sari store: "Miss isang Coke in can at isang Sprite na Coke in can..."



14. Ken - SIR: "Inday, si sir mo to, nabangga kotse ko & I need cash!" INDAY: "Aru, dugo-dugo gang ka no?" SIR: "Gaga! Si sir mo talaga to!" INDAY: "Gago ka rin! Si sir ang tawag sa kin...kapkeyk. .."



15. SC - I once asked my yaya where the Netherlands is located. She answered: "Diba dun nakatira si Peter Pan?"



16. No name - Ate: "O yaya, bakit ka umiiyak?" Yaya: "Ati, sabi kasi ng duktor, tatanggalan ako ng butlig!" Ate: "Eh yun lang pala eh! Bakit ka umiiyak?" Yaya: "Buti kung one lig lang, eh kung butlig, wala na kong ligs!"



17. Geyp - We saw our yaya staring intently at the orange juice bottle. Sabi namin: "Yaya, anong ginagawa mo?" Yaya: "Shhh! Nakalagay sa bote, 'concentrate' ..."



18. S44 - Neighbor's yaya telling her ward to climb down the stairs: "Down to earth! Down to earth!"



19. Chester - My mom was going to buy our yaya a transistor radio. Before my mom left the house, our yaya said, "Ma'am, ang kunin niyo yung Ilokano ang salita ha!"



20. Astroboy - We paid for the tuition fee of our yaya's son. So one day I was reviewing him: "The Earth is the 3rd planet from the sun. Ano ang katabi ng Mercury?" His mom, our yaya, answered: "Parang Watson's yata..."



21. No name - Sir: "Yaya, natanggal mo yung mantsa sa barong ko?" Yaya: "Opo! Tanggal na tanggal!" Sir: "Good! Anong pinang-tanggal mo?" Yaya: "Gunting, kuya! Gunting!"



22. Ivan - Yaya to tricycle driver: "Magkano sa City Hall?" Driver: "Ikaw lang?" Yaya: "Ay bakit, hindi ka sasama?"



23. Jun13 - (Si Kuya pumasok sa kuwarto ni Yaya) Kuya: "Yaya..." Yaya: "Koya, wag po! Wag Pooooo!" Kuya: "Gaga! Uutusan lang kita!" Yaya: "Si Koya naman...nagsa- suggest lang..."



24. Mr. Perk - Kid: "Yaya, spell orange?" Yaya: "Depende. Yung kulay o yung prutas?"



25. Yñaki - Midget Yaya who was newly hired: "Suwerte po kayo, ako ang napili niyo. At least kung maibagsak ko si baby, mababa lang!"



26. Sawyer - Yaya to my brother: "Nag tothbrush ka na ng ipin?" Bro: "Siyempre, alangan namang mag toothbrush ako ng kilikili!"



27.. Geyp - (after being scolded for breaking her promises): "Ma'am, hindi na po ako mangangako ulit...promise! "



28. Jose de vengenge - Yaya buys food at McDo. Crew: "Dito niyo na po ba kakainin?" Yaya: "Puwede sa table?"



29. Ivan - AMO: "Bakit namatay ang aso?" MAID: "Pinaliguan ko po ng laundry soap." AMO: "Nakamamatay ba yun?" MAID: "Ewan ko nga po eh, pag-off ko ng washing machine patay na."



30. Ehem - Yaya picking up the phone saying: "Hilo?" We noticed that she was holding the handset ng baligtad. We told her, "Yaya, baliktad!" Then Yaya said: "Lohi?"

wave

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by mechanic on Wed Jul 08, 2009 9:40 pm

lol! lol! lol!

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by nomeradona on Thu Jul 09, 2009 1:08 am

star si Yaya. hehehehe

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by Leslie Adona on Thu Jul 09, 2009 2:25 am

Ang pusa at ang kuting



Namamasyal sa park ang mag-amang Caloy at ang 3 taong gulang na anak nang may dumaan na mag-inang pusa.
Caloy: Uy, look anak. Anong tawag doon (sabay turo sa inang pusa).
Anak: Puta (bulol pa kasing magsalita)
Caloy: Anak, pusa hindi puta. Don’t say bad words, ok? O sige, ulitin natin. Anong tawag doon (sabay turo naman sa kuting).
Anak: (Mayabang at nakangiti pang sumagot) Anak ng puta.

Tunnel of Love



Magkasintahan nag-uusap habang nakasakay silasa isang tren na naglilibot sa ibat-biang states ng amerika. LALAKE: “Kung alam ko lang napakahaba noong tunnel na dinaanan nati kanina, eh di snana hinalikan kita.” BABAE (nagtataka): “Ibig mong sabihin hindi ikaw yung kahalikan ko kanina?”

Nice house



PINOY EMPLOYEE: Boss, can not report to work. Am sick. BOSS: When I’m sick, I have sex w/ my wife, try it.
2 hours later, Pinoy phones back.
“It worked, boss! Am ok now. You got a nice house!”

who is stronger?



women are stronger than men why? because,women can carry two mountains at a time, while men can carry 2 eggs; take note with the help of the bird pa. haha!

si manloloko



GF: niloloko mo ako!
BF: bakit?
GF: nakita kita sa SM, may kasamang iba!
BF: tumigil ka! di kita niloloko. ung kasama ko sa SM ang niloloko ko!
GF: ah akala ko ako. sori. loveyou!

second thought



may magasawa n gustong ipagbili ang bahay nla…pero nagdadalawang isip cla…
misis: inday, kapag dumating yung buyer ng bahay, sabihin mong nagsesecond thought pa kami ng sir mo, ok?aalis lang kami for dinner…
inday: upu mam..
dumating ang buyer ng bahay…
buyer: nandyan ba ang amo mo?? ako yung buyer ng bahay…
inday: ahh ser! pasinsya na pu… sabi daw pu ni mam nagSISIKANTOT pa daw pu sila ni ser…
[wat?!]

magaling na si patient



Dok: magaling ka na pala kasi sinagip mo friend mo na nalulunod. kaya lang nagbigti sya sa CR!
Patient: di po dok. sinabit ko sya dun para matuyo

ang bata S




Anak : Tays ! kakains nas tayos !

Tatay : Hoy ! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng ‘S’ sa mga sinasabi mo

ha ! Ano ba ang ulam ?
Anak : BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA !

tatlong mga pari



May 3 pari na magkumpare ang naupo at nagkwentuhan.
Unang Pari: Mga pare, may sikreto ako na kayo lang ang dapat makaalam.. Nabuntis ko si
Sister Emma at pinalaglag namin. Sana maunawaan ninyo ako sapagkat ako ay tao lamang at sa tukso’y nadarang.
Ikalawang Pari: May sikreto rin ako mga pare – Nalustay ko ang kinita ng simbahan noong
isang linggo at hindi ko alam kung paano ko pa mai-babalik ito.
Ikatlong Pari: Ako din may sikreto na dapat walang maka-alam. TSISMOSO AKO

Parrot



Parrot: Pag hinila mo itong kaliwang paa ko, kakanta ako… pag kanan tutula naman..
Boy: Wow! Galing naman… E pano pag sabay kong hinila paa mo ?
Parrot: D mahuhulog ako ! Tanga ka ba ?

Joke #3
Doc: For your health take only a cup of rice, lean meat and a saucer of kangkong. Fruits for dessert and lots of juice….
Fat guy: Doc, shall I take them before or after meals?

Joke #4
Nahuling may kodigo ang estudyante…
Guro: Ano ‘to?
Estudyante: Prayer ko Po , ma’am!
Guro: At bakit answers ang nakasulat?!!!
Estudyante: Naku! Sinagot na ang prayers ko!

Joke #1
Bush: What are the pollutants in your country?
Jingoy: We have lots of pollutants.. ..we have sisig, kilawin, chicharon, mani
Erap: Anak, may nakalimutan ka, Boy Bawang (cornik).

Joke #3
Pasyente: Dok, bakit Po ganito ang operasyon as ulo ko? Halos Kita na utak ko
Doctor: Ok lang yan, yan ang tinatawag na open minded

Joke #5
Beauty contest
Emcee: What’s the big problem facing the country today?
Contestant: Drugs
Emcee: Very good, why do you say that?
Contestant: Ang mahal kasi eh!

Joke #2
Anak: Itay, nagpapatanong si ma’am kung ano raw ang propesyon MO.
Itay: Sabihin MO , radiologist.
Anak: Ano Po ba ang radiologist, Itay?
Itay: ‘Yung taga-ayos ng radio as car!

Joke #16: CEASEFIRE
ERAP to MILF : Sumuko na kayo!
MILF: Di kami susuko pag di mo maispel ang CEASEFIRE.
ERAP : Tama na! Tuloy ang giyera.

Joke #8: SAVE
FVR, Cory and Erap, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. Each of them is blindfolded and given the chance to call upon the forces of nature to save them. The executioner starts the countdown: ‘10, 9, 8,….’.
FVR shouts, ‘Flood!’. In a sudden, a big wave came. FVR was able to escape because of the commotion.
It’s Cory’s turn. She shouts: ‘Earthquake! ‘. The people watching the execution panicked. She was able to escape.
Erap was wondering what calamity to call. The executioner started counting again: ‘10, 9, 8, 7….’. Erap had a mental block. ‘5, 4, 3, 2, 1…’
Erap shouted: ‘Fire!’.

Joke #13: WA CLASS
Reporter to Erap alighting from a PAL flight: ‘Mr. President, what can you say about the economy?’
Erap: ‘I don’t know, kasi nasa first class ako.’

GROUP
Erap was asked if a group of birds is called a flock of bird, and a group of fish is called a school of fish, and a group of wolves is called a pack of wolves, then what do you call a group of dogs?
Erap: Madali lang yan, anong akala ninyo sa akin tanga! Di anser is ‘asociation’ .

Only in the Philippines

Posted by edmonyo2000 on February 11th, 2009

Q: Pano mo malalaman na may “tangang” pumasok sa loob ng sabungan?
A: Ang dalang panabong ay “itik”.
Q: Pano mo malalaman na may “inutil” sa loob ng sabungan?
A: Pag may pumusta sa itik!
Q: E pano mo malalaman na nasa loob ng sabungan si FG Mike Arroyo?
A: PAG NANALO YUNG ITIK !!


Clock in heaven



May isang bata pumunta sa heaven at nakita niya si San pedro nagbabantay sa labas ng gate at pinapasok siya at maraming orasan nakadikit sa pader at tinanong ng bata si San Pedro
bata: San pedro bakit po ang daming orasan dito sa Heaven
San pedro: kasi ang orasan na yan ay mga ginagawa ng tao kung may nagawang siyang kasalanan gagalaw iyan
bata: ok (tinignan niya ang isang orasan at hindi ito gumagalaw)
bata: San Pedro bakit hindi ito gumagalaw
San Pedro: dahil Madre iyan
bata: ah ok (tinignan niya ang isang orasan at mabagal itong gumalaw)
bata: San pedro bakit po ito ang bagal gumalaw
san pedro: dahil mabait siya hindi siya gaanong nagkakasala
bata: ah ok teka muna nasaan yung kay ate glo
San Pedro: ah kay Gloria na kay Jesus. Ginagawang Electric Fan

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by Yhna on Thu Jul 09, 2009 3:01 am

lol! lol! lol!

_________________
this is not the END... but the NEW BEGINNING...

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by KettleRenderer on Thu Jul 09, 2009 3:02 am

sampung utos


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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by mechanic on Mon Jul 20, 2009 12:31 am

#1: “Last Sunday I found a wallet packed with money down by the church.”
#2: “Did you give it back?”
#1: “Not yet. I’m still trying to decide if it’s a temptation from the devil or the answer to a prayer.”

Dalawang lalaki muntik nang masagasaan.
L1: nakuha mo ba ung license plate?
L2: pano ko makukuha e ang bilis nya. Pero maganda ung driver di ba?
L1: oo nga, nakita mo ba ung brown niyang mata?

Juan nakatabi sa 1 ka car na naka wrong parking. Dumating ang Pulis.
JUAN: Sir, pasensya na po! (Pulis issue tiket at nilagay sa windshield). Bobo kang pulis! (Pulis issue 2nd tiket). Tanga kang pulis! (Pulis issue 3rd tiket. Naka 10 tiket na after 5 minutes).
JUAN: O cge sir, nandito na yata yong ownerng kotse. Sakay na ako ng jeepney.
PULIS: Tang-ina, naisahan ako…
PRRIIITTT!!!

Due to good business, Juan extended his barber shop to the 2nd floor. He didn’t have much for a new signage.. he just wrote on the shop’s blackboard, “We cut your hair, up and down!”

Boy: i love u..
Girl: ahhh…
Boy: sabi ko, i love u..
Girl: oo nga, narinig ko.
Boy: eh, bat di ka sumasagot??
Girl: bakit? tanong ba yun?

Sa Las Vegas…
Waiter: May i take ur order?
Aling Dionisia: Soup!
Waiter: Chicken, asparagus, noodle, fish, soup of the day…?
Aling Dionisia: Soup drenks..

AMA: anak, magpapari ka ba talaga?
ANAK: opo, sure talaga!
AMA: paano kung humarap sa yo si Katrina Halili?
ANAK: ay, magdu DOKTOR na lang ako!

Man1: Where did you get such a great bike?
Man2: I was walking along yesterday, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
Man1: Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted you anyway.

A terrified soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath, he ask, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”
Sister agreed. A moment later two military police came and asked sister if she saw a soldier running. Nun pointed them to a different direction.
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, Sister. You see I don’t want to go to Iraq.. I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
Nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have see a great pair of balls… I don’t want to go to Iraq either!”

mechanic
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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by pakunat on Tue Aug 25, 2009 2:53 am

ENJOY!... . . .... . maki




1. BAKTOL--- ang ikatlong lebel ng mabahong amoy sa kili-kili. Ang


baktol ay kapareho ng amoy ng nabubulok na bayabas.. Ito'y dumidikit sa
damit, at humahalo sa pawis. madalas na naaamoy tuwing registration,
lalo na sa mga GE subject gaya ng natsci, comm, socsci etc, dahil sa
sobrang siksikan ng mga estudyante.

2. KUKURIKAPU--- libag sa ilalim ng boobs. Madalas na namumuo dahil
sa labis na baby powder na nilalagay sa katawan. Maaari ding mamuo kung
hindi talaga naliligo o naghihilod ang isang babae.

Mga KUKURIKAPU ay mas madalas mamuo sa mga babaeng malalaki ang joga.


3. MULMUL--- buhok sa gitna ng isang nunal mahirap ipaliwanag kung
bakit nagkakaroon ng MULMUL ang isang nunal. subalit hindi talaga ito
naaalis, kahit na bunutin pa ito, maliban na lamang kung ipapa-laser ito

4. BRISTOL - Ito ang akto nang pagkis-kis nang iyong daliri sa likod nang tenga na pawis at pagkatapos ay sinisinghot and daliri. Ex. Nahuli ko si Bert na biniBRISTOL ang kanyang tenga

5. BURNIK--- taeng sumabit sa buhok sa pwet. Madalas nararanasan ng
mga taong nagti-tissue lamang pagkatapos tumae. ang BURNIK ay mahirap
alisin,lalo na kapag natuyo na ito, ipinapayo sa mga may BURNIK na
maligo na lamang upang ito'y maalis.


6. ALPOMBRA--- kasuotan sa paa na kadalasang makikitang suot ng mga
tindero ng yosi sa Quiapo. Ito'y may makipot na suotan ng paa, at manipis
na swelas Mistulang sandalyas ito ng babae pero kadalasang suot ng mga
lalaki , Available in blue, red, green, etc.

7. BAKOKANG--- higanteng peklat. Ito'y madalas na dulot ng mga sugat
na malaki. Imbes na normal na balat ang nakatakip sa bakokang, ito'y
mayroong makintab na takip.

8. AGIHAP--- libag na dumikit sa panty o brief dahil sa labis na
pagmamahal sa suot panloob. nabubuo ang AGIHAP kung ang panty o brief ay
nasuot na ng hindi bababa sa tatlong araw.

9. DUKIT--- itoy ang amoy na nakukuha kung isinabit mo ang daliri
mo sa iyong puwit....try it to prove it, thats DUKIT.

10. SPONGKLONG - ito'y isang bagong wika na nangangahulugan sa isang
estupidong tao.

11. LAPONGGA - ito's kahintulad sa laplapan o kaya ay lamasan.

12. WENEKLEK - ito ang buhok sa utong na kadalasang nakikita sa mga
tambay sa kanto na laging nakahubad. Meron din ang babae nito.

13. BAKTUNG - pinaikling salita ng BAKAT-UTONG.

14. BAKTI --- bakat panty

15. ASOGUE --- buhok sa kilikili

16. BARNAKOLI --- maitim na libag sa batok na naipon sa matagal na
panahon

17. BULTOKACHI - tubig na tumatalsik sa pwet kapag nalalaglag ang isang
malaking ebak

18. BUTUYTUY - etits ng bata

19. JABARR - pawis ng katawan

20. KALAMANTUTAY - mabahong pangalan

21.MCARTHUR - taeng bumabalik after mong i-flush.
Prev: Anything Aerosmith...

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by Norman on Fri Mar 26, 2010 7:15 am

pakunat wrote:ENJOY!... . . .... . maki




1. BAKTOL--- ang ikatlong lebel ng mabahong amoy sa kili-kili. Ang


baktol ay kapareho ng amoy ng nabubulok na bayabas.. Ito'y dumidikit sa
damit, at humahalo sa pawis. madalas na naaamoy tuwing registration,
lalo na sa mga GE subject gaya ng natsci, comm, socsci etc, dahil sa
sobrang siksikan ng mga estudyante.

2. KUKURIKAPU--- libag sa ilalim ng boobs. Madalas na namumuo dahil
sa labis na baby powder na nilalagay sa katawan. Maaari ding mamuo kung
hindi talaga naliligo o naghihilod ang isang babae.

Mga KUKURIKAPU ay mas madalas mamuo sa mga babaeng malalaki ang joga.


3. MULMUL--- buhok sa gitna ng isang nunal mahirap ipaliwanag kung
bakit nagkakaroon ng MULMUL ang isang nunal. subalit hindi talaga ito
naaalis, kahit na bunutin pa ito, maliban na lamang kung ipapa-laser ito

4. BRISTOL - Ito ang akto nang pagkis-kis nang iyong daliri sa likod nang tenga na pawis at pagkatapos ay sinisinghot and daliri. Ex. Nahuli ko si Bert na biniBRISTOL ang kanyang tenga

5. BURNIK--- taeng sumabit sa buhok sa pwet. Madalas nararanasan ng
mga taong nagti-tissue lamang pagkatapos tumae. ang BURNIK ay mahirap
alisin,lalo na kapag natuyo na ito, ipinapayo sa mga may BURNIK na
maligo na lamang upang ito'y maalis.


6. ALPOMBRA--- kasuotan sa paa na kadalasang makikitang suot ng mga
tindero ng yosi sa Quiapo. Ito'y may makipot na suotan ng paa, at manipis
na swelas Mistulang sandalyas ito ng babae pero kadalasang suot ng mga
lalaki , Available in blue, red, green, etc.

7. BAKOKANG--- higanteng peklat. Ito'y madalas na dulot ng mga sugat
na malaki. Imbes na normal na balat ang nakatakip sa bakokang, ito'y
mayroong makintab na takip.

8. AGIHAP--- libag na dumikit sa panty o brief dahil sa labis na
pagmamahal sa suot panloob. nabubuo ang AGIHAP kung ang panty o brief ay
nasuot na ng hindi bababa sa tatlong araw.

9. DUKIT--- itoy ang amoy na nakukuha kung isinabit mo ang daliri
mo sa iyong puwit....try it to prove it, thats DUKIT.

10. SPONGKLONG - ito'y isang bagong wika na nangangahulugan sa isang
estupidong tao.

11. LAPONGGA - ito's kahintulad sa laplapan o kaya ay lamasan.

12. WENEKLEK - ito ang buhok sa utong na kadalasang nakikita sa mga
tambay sa kanto na laging nakahubad. Meron din ang babae nito.

13. BAKTUNG - pinaikling salita ng BAKAT-UTONG.

14. BAKTI --- bakat panty

15. ASOGUE --- buhok sa kilikili

16. BARNAKOLI --- maitim na libag sa batok na naipon sa matagal na
panahon

17. BULTOKACHI - tubig na tumatalsik sa pwet kapag nalalaglag ang isang
malaking ebak

18. BUTUYTUY - etits ng bata

19. JABARR - pawis ng katawan

20. KALAMANTUTAY - mabahong pangalan

21.MCARTHUR - taeng bumabalik after mong i-flush.
Prev: Anything Aerosmith...


lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by skyscraper100 on Fri Mar 26, 2010 7:34 am

hahah grabe nakakatawa

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by Muggz on Fri Mar 26, 2010 7:51 am

tanung lang,,,,
Bakit lahat ng bangkay e patay??? scratch

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by archi_ram on Sat Apr 17, 2010 12:24 am

this is not new......just post it anyway...

True Pinoy style

American, a Japanese, and a Filipino were sitting naked in the sauna.
Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The American presses his forearm
and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.
'That's my pager,' he says. 'I have a microchip under the skin
of my arm.'

A few minutes later a phone rings. The Japanese lifts his palm to
his ear. When he finishes he explains, 'That's my mobile phone. I
have a microchip in my hand.'

The Pinoy, feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone,
decided he had to do something just as impressive.
He steps out of the sauna and goes to the toilet. He returns with a
piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their
eyebrows and said, 'Wow! What's that?'

'I'm getting a Fax,' he explains.


Last edited by archi_ram on Sat Apr 17, 2010 5:21 am; edited 2 times in total

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by Norman on Sat Apr 17, 2010 12:53 am

archi_ram wrote:this is not new......just post it anyway...

True Pinoy style

American, a Japanese, and a Pilipino were sitting naked in the sauna.
Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The American presses his forearm
and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.
'That's my pager,' he says. 'I have a microchip under the skin
of my arm.'

A few minutes later a phone rings. The Japanese lifts his palm to
his ear. When he finishes he explains, 'That's my mobile phone. I
have a microchip in my hand.'

The Pilipino, feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone,
decided he had to do something just as impressive.
He steps out of the sauna and goes to the toilet. He returns with a
piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their
eyebrows and said, 'Wow! What's that?'

'I'm getting a Fax,' he explains.

haha

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by archi_ram on Sat Apr 17, 2010 2:39 am

eto pa kahit corny....

In Saudi Arabia ...
A German, a Pakistani and a Filipino got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia , so for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes and the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.


The Pakistani was next. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes and the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.


The Filipino was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from one of most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Filipino replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face."If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.

"And what is your second wish, ?" the Sheik asked.

Filipino smiled and said, "Tie the Pakistani to my back!"

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by dumzblood on Sat Apr 17, 2010 5:15 am

bwahahahahahahah...galit n galit sa pakistani bro h =)) lol peace man
isinama m sana mga itik dyan ...lol lol!

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Re: JOKE THREAD

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