JOKE THREAD

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JOKE THREAD

Post by nomeradona on Sun Dec 28, 2008 8:36 pm

First topic message reminder :

gawa nga tayo ng joke thread. basta clean jokes lang ha.

una na ako...

BAMPIRA

sa Pilipinas daw, dahil sa kahirapan ng buhay marami na daw yung mga bampira. listen to the telphone conversation. si Ina tinawagan si Noynoy na nasa Saudi

INA: Noynoy sensya na anak napatawag ako, kasi si Junjun may sakit, la naman kami dito, wala BAMPIRA dyan.
si Neneng wala ring isuot sa Prom, wala BAMPIRA dyan. ganun din si Bokbok walang pangmatrikula wala BAMPIRA talaga dyan.

diba ang daming Bampira.

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by pakunat on Tue Jan 06, 2009 1:47 am

eto pa kaso medyo may laman kaya link na lang:

http://32flavors.wordpress.com/a-dumbass-guide-to-surivival/

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by nomeradona on Tue Jan 06, 2009 5:11 am

hehehe bida si inday sa yo bro....

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by kurdaps! on Tue Jan 06, 2009 5:24 am

nomeradona wrote:hehehe bida si inday sa yo bro....

Ang kulit ni Inday! Laughing

_________________
Happy moments:PRAISE GOD. Difficult  moments:SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments:WORSHIP GOD. Painful moments:TRUST GOD.
Every moment:THANK  GOD.


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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by oDi120522 on Tue Jan 06, 2009 9:15 am

ayos...dami rin pala baon ni ser rendering machine uncle pakunat!!! peace man ... kullleeetttttt ni inday!!!! tsokolomborgs....wehehehehehe..... Laughing lol! cher

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by Yhna on Tue Jan 06, 2009 9:26 am

christine wrote:
kurdaps! wrote:Yan ba diskarte ni Jpoy Mam Tine? peace man

nyahahahaha...! hindi po sir eh. ni wala sa nabanggit. hahaha.. may sariling diskarte un... walang katulad... and mas napapatawa nya ko ng higit pa dyan ^_^ Embarassed

mam tin parang kilala ko mga banat na yan ha.. ahihihihi... peace man

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by christine on Tue Jan 06, 2009 6:26 pm

Yhna wrote:
mam tin parang kilala ko mga banat na yan ha.. ahihihihi... peace man

ok ba mga banats sis? haha nakuha ko lang sa net eh. naaliw ako.. ang korni ko pa naman.. haha 2thumbsup

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by jaycobvargas on Wed Jan 07, 2009 4:54 am

after i red this inflatagious essence in virtual monitoring view of an annostopic mind i here to digtate the words that coming to mind...........


ang lufet!!!!!!

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by nomeradona on Sat May 09, 2009 9:12 am

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by nomeradona on Sat May 09, 2009 9:13 am

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by nomeradona on Sat May 09, 2009 9:21 am

kagagaling lang ni Pedro sa Vietnam, tinanong nya kanyang asawa
Mukha ba akong foreigner? Sabi ng asawa Hindi! Bakit?
Eh kasi sa Saigon ang palaging tanong "Are you a foreigner?

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by nomeradona on Sat May 09, 2009 9:28 am

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by nomeradona on Sat May 09, 2009 9:30 am

Economic crisis & agricultural business

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.



COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.



FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.



NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.



BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...



TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows

You sell them and retire on the income.



SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons



AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.



ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by

your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated

general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven

cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.



A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.



A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty

times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.



A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.



AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.



A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.



A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.



A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.



AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.



A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.



AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....



AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A FILIPINO CORPORATION

You have two cows,

One is Kapamilya and the other one is Kapuso.

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by nomeradona on Sat May 09, 2009 9:44 am

Why is the little Egyptian boy confused?
Because his daddy was a mummy...

-----------------------------------------------------
Boy 1: What do you call a small Pig?
Boy 2: Piglet

BOY 1: What do you call a small chicken?
Boy 2: Chicklet

-------------------------------------------------------

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by nomeradona on Sat May 09, 2009 9:55 am

I dont know if you can appreciate them... but i hope you will. They are just puns...


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day-care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest Knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A "Will" is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN Down-Under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by nomeradona on Sat May 09, 2009 10:11 am

Church jokes
--------------------------------------
the Song leader sais "let's close our eyes, and sing "Open our Eyes Lord".

--------------------------------------

Sino and Prophet na nagpauso ng advertisement
Habbakuk... ( dont drink Pepsi)

--------------------------------------
Young man: Father, father, nabasa ko na po sa Bible kung sino ang binibigay na babae ni Lord sa akin..

Priest: sino anak

Young man: Si Shirley po.

Priest: Nakasulat ba ang Shirley sa bible?

Young Man: Opo father nasa John 3:5 Shirley, shirley unless a man be born again, he cannot enter the Kingdom of God.

--------------------------------------------------------

Sunday school teacher: Ilan ang Diyos
Pedro: Apat po.
Sunday school teacher: Baki naman apat?
Pedro: palaging sabi kasi ni Lola Por diyos por santos,, di Apat.

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by arkimead_21 on Mon May 11, 2009 3:54 am

wave lolz ayos to ah sakit sa tyan ktatawa......... peace man peace man peace man

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by virus on Mon May 11, 2009 6:44 am

para sa mga estujante....


5 things na wish mong sabihin ng nanay mo sayo...

1. anak gising na. Kung antok ka pa mag palate ka na lng sa subject mo.

2. Oh heto alawans mo. My dagdag yan pang gimik moh.

3. Amoy alak ka? Nag jaming kayo di mo ako sinama??

4. Gabi na ahh.. Matulog ka na. Bukas samahan mo ako, bili tayo ng cellphone mo.

5. Tumawag dean nyo! Bagsak ka daw! Di bale, my next sem pa naman eh..

ahehe

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by virus on Mon May 11, 2009 6:50 am

FACT:
The human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol as we all know, kills brain cells but naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells making the brain faster and more efficient. That is why you always feel smarter when you are DRUNK...


ahehe

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by virus on Mon May 11, 2009 6:52 am

" It was a hard journey but we nver gave up. We tried our best to climb the highest obstacles just to reach our goal"


a qoute from the Akyat Bahay Gang!!

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by virus on Mon May 11, 2009 6:56 am

Quotes from the greatest warriors:

"I came I saw i conquer"- julius ceasar

"I shall return"- Douglas Mc Arthur

"I will fight ini one, ini time, in iniwer you like, you know"- Manny Pacquiao
Very Happy


Last edited by virus on Mon May 11, 2009 7:05 am; edited 1 time in total

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by virus on Mon May 11, 2009 6:58 am

PASTOR: Sali ka sa army of God this Sunday..

JUAN: Kasali na po ako pastor.

PASTOR: Eh bakit lagi ka wala kada linggo?

JUAN: Secret agent po ako pastor..

hehehe

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by JAKE on Mon May 11, 2009 7:04 am

virus wrote:Quotes from the greatest warriors:

"I came I saw i conquer"- julius ceasar

"I shall return"- Douglas Mc Arthur

"I will fight ini one, ini time, in iniwer you like, ypu know"- Manny Pacquiao



lol!

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by nomeradona on Mon May 11, 2009 8:23 am

virus wrote:PASTOR: Sali ka sa army of God this Sunday..

JUAN: Kasali na po ako pastor.

PASTOR: Eh bakit lagi ka wala kada linggo?

JUAN: Secret agent po ako pastor..

hehehe
ayos kaya pala wala si james bond.

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by crayzard on Mon May 11, 2009 10:59 pm

post lng ako ng nabasang kong nakakatawa sa ibang forum.. nag rerender eh.. hehehe

kawawang talong!


SISTER 1: mader superior bili po tayo ng talong.
MADER SUPERIOR: sige! magkano ba ang isang kilo?
VENDOR: 20 pesos po sister.
SISTER 2: ilang piraso ba ang isang kilo?
VENDOR: apat na piraso po.
SISTER 1: eh! tatatlo lang naman tayo sa kumbento, anong gagawin natin dun sa isa?
MADER SUPERIOR: ay! di ulamin na lang natin mamayang gabi!

Perfect Interview
(an ARAB MAN NFRONT OF U.S CONSULATE desk)

Consulate: name please?
Arab: Abdul Aziz
Consulate: Sex?
Arab:6 times a day.
Consulate: I mean Male or Female?
Arab: male,female,sometimes camel.
Consulate:holy cow.
Arab : yes even cow.
Consulate: isn't that hostile?
Arab: any style,dogstyle.
Consulate: Oh! Dear.
Arab: oh, No no no, no deer
Consulate: why?
Arab:they run so damb fast....

pa delete na lng po kung may ma offend


Last edited by crayzard on Mon May 11, 2009 11:24 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by crayzard on Mon May 11, 2009 11:02 pm

lashing
MRS: Bakit ngayon ka lang?
MR: Pasensha na, nagyaya mga officemates ko, nagkainuman lang.
Hehe! Hik,
MRS: Lasing ka no?
MR: Ako, lashing? Hindi! Hik
MRS: Anong hindi?! La ka namang trabaho, pano ka nagka-officemates?

iFuGaO
Ifugao:Sir, mag-aaply po ako bilang sundalo
Sir: hindi ka pwede, ang dami mong sira na ngipin at bungi ka pa!!!
Ifugao: bakit po ba ang labanan ngayon kagatan na ba?


Last edited by crayzard on Mon May 11, 2009 11:20 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: JOKE THREAD

Post by crayzard on Mon May 11, 2009 11:06 pm

-=gasolina=-
pinoy:waiter??
waiter:ano pong order nyo?
pinoy:lugaw nga ung large..
waiter:17 pesos po
pinoy:15 lang khapon!
waiter:mahal na poh kc ang gasolina
pinoy: eh di kahit wag mong lagyan ng gasolina...!!

Ututin na boyfriend
Binibisita ng boyfriend ang kanyang girlfriend. Kumain sila at umupo sa salas.
Marami ang nakain ng bf at kailangan niyang maglabas ng masamang hangin. Ngunit nahihiya siya sa gf niya. Pinigil ng bf ang pag-utot, pero hindi niya na ito nakaya.
PPOOOOOTTTTT!!!!!
Huminto ang bf sa paggalaw. Hiyang0-hiya siya at pulang pula ang mukha. Tiningnan niya ang gf niya.
Walang siya ang gf, pero biglang tinawag ang aso na nasa ilalim ng upuan ng bf.
"Rex, umalis ka nga dyan!"
Pero walang kilos ang aso. Nakahinga ng maluwag ang bf at inisip - "Hay salamat, akala niya yung aso ang umutot!"
Nag-chat sila, ngunit nakaraan ang ilang sandali ay napapa-utot muli ang bf dahil talagang ang dami niyang kinain. Hindi niya ulit ito napigilan.
PPPOOOOOOTTTTT!!!!
Kinabahan ulit ang bf at namula. Muling sinabi ng gf, "Rex, ano ka ba? Umalis ka dyan sabi eh!"
Wala paring kibo ang aso. "Hay salamat sa aso," isip ng bf, "Akala niya ulit yung aso ang umutot."
Nag-chat ulit sila, pero napapa-utot ulit ang bf at hindi niya ito napigilan.
PPPPOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTT!!!!!!
Tumayo ang gf "Rex! Umalis ka dyan baka mataihan ka!!!!"

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Re: JOKE THREAD

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